Here is a link to our 33rd annual newsletter. Enjoy!
Friday, December 16, 2016
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
A little less of Christmas
A few years ago, as I was struggling to "do" Christmas, attending to the dozens of traditional rituals I had built up over the years, I suddenly, desperately just gave up. I knew my health couldn't handle the overwhelming chore- yes it had become one big, long month of chores- of making Christmas for my family.
I had a huge epiphany (three actually) that year that has helped to define what Christmas is and will evermore be to me and my family.
1. I am no longer responsible for my family's happiness, excitement or memory making. wow. Isn't that a parent's job? Well, maybe yes, when they are tiny, but my "kids" were now adults with their own lives and families.
my epiphany- I think that in trying to treasure the memories we made as a family in years' past, I'd unintentionally burdened myself with recreating those memories and building on them from year to year. While my kids were off creating new family memories with their own spouses and children, I felt left out and a little lonely for those days when I was their Santa Claus, their memory maker, when I was in control of their entire world.
2. Trying to recreate the feelings and experiences we had as a young family is not only overwhelming, it is impossible. It turned into a "more and more and bigger and bigger and better and better" cycle of desperation that didn't just overwhelm and burden me, but my kids, their new families, my grand kids and my husband as well.
my epiphany- It was difficult to muster the humility I needed to face the root of this mania- my own need for attention, accolades and affirmation. Somehow, somewhere I got the idea that I had do everything bigger and better every year to keep my family coming home, to keep them wanting to be with me during the holidays. I guess I felt I had to make it really worth their time and attention to include me in their new and improved Christmas plans. So I planned huge events, cooked and baked everyone's favorite holiday treats, bought more elaborate and expensive gifts and demanded participation through selfish motives disguised as family traditions. It was manipulative and I am ashamed that I let it get that far.
3. People change, situations change, life changes us, I change. Changes in traditions don't erase the memories or diminish the value of the things that used to mean a lot to us. Throwing out the burden of trying to recreate old memories year after year has been hard, but when it's done intentionally, it actually creates room for new things, good things.
my epiphany- As empty nesters, my husband and I now have the opportunity to create our own new traditions. We can finally do whatever we want for the holidays without feeling as if we are letting our kids down. For our 30th anniversary, we decided to take a cruise over Christmas. It was liberating and we plan to do more holiday traveling in the coming years. Each year we evaluate our plans and ask ourselves which ones we can let go of. If we are both in agreement that something has lost it's meaning, we eliminate it without guilt.
I asked my kids a few years ago, "What three holiday traditions could you just not live without?" It was interesting what they shared, things that surprised me. I try now to focus on those things and my new joys of the season, which include, at the top of my list, creating unique experiences and memories with my grandchildren.
Don't get me wrong. I still love Christmas and spending time with my family is paramount. But I am starting to believe, really believe and understand, that being with my family is a gift that I can't force or guilt them into giving me. I'm listening more, planning less and really trying to receive what's given in joy rather than in obligation.
And, I'm being patient with myself. This is a process. I don't have it all down yet. I don't expect others to buy into the reality that I can and will allow God to change my heart. I can only try, one tradition, one year at a time, to step down from that pedestal of self importance and trust that eventually my family will notice and embrace the new, more peaceful mom. I see them struggling, expecting me to keep taking the lead, making the plans. I've been enabling and demanding for a very long time.
Here's to changes! Here's to new things, good things, better things. Here's to life and joy and great holidays ahead.
I had a huge epiphany (three actually) that year that has helped to define what Christmas is and will evermore be to me and my family.
1. I am no longer responsible for my family's happiness, excitement or memory making. wow. Isn't that a parent's job? Well, maybe yes, when they are tiny, but my "kids" were now adults with their own lives and families.
my epiphany- I think that in trying to treasure the memories we made as a family in years' past, I'd unintentionally burdened myself with recreating those memories and building on them from year to year. While my kids were off creating new family memories with their own spouses and children, I felt left out and a little lonely for those days when I was their Santa Claus, their memory maker, when I was in control of their entire world.
2. Trying to recreate the feelings and experiences we had as a young family is not only overwhelming, it is impossible. It turned into a "more and more and bigger and bigger and better and better" cycle of desperation that didn't just overwhelm and burden me, but my kids, their new families, my grand kids and my husband as well.
my epiphany- It was difficult to muster the humility I needed to face the root of this mania- my own need for attention, accolades and affirmation. Somehow, somewhere I got the idea that I had do everything bigger and better every year to keep my family coming home, to keep them wanting to be with me during the holidays. I guess I felt I had to make it really worth their time and attention to include me in their new and improved Christmas plans. So I planned huge events, cooked and baked everyone's favorite holiday treats, bought more elaborate and expensive gifts and demanded participation through selfish motives disguised as family traditions. It was manipulative and I am ashamed that I let it get that far.
3. People change, situations change, life changes us, I change. Changes in traditions don't erase the memories or diminish the value of the things that used to mean a lot to us. Throwing out the burden of trying to recreate old memories year after year has been hard, but when it's done intentionally, it actually creates room for new things, good things.
my epiphany- As empty nesters, my husband and I now have the opportunity to create our own new traditions. We can finally do whatever we want for the holidays without feeling as if we are letting our kids down. For our 30th anniversary, we decided to take a cruise over Christmas. It was liberating and we plan to do more holiday traveling in the coming years. Each year we evaluate our plans and ask ourselves which ones we can let go of. If we are both in agreement that something has lost it's meaning, we eliminate it without guilt.
I asked my kids a few years ago, "What three holiday traditions could you just not live without?" It was interesting what they shared, things that surprised me. I try now to focus on those things and my new joys of the season, which include, at the top of my list, creating unique experiences and memories with my grandchildren.
Don't get me wrong. I still love Christmas and spending time with my family is paramount. But I am starting to believe, really believe and understand, that being with my family is a gift that I can't force or guilt them into giving me. I'm listening more, planning less and really trying to receive what's given in joy rather than in obligation.
And, I'm being patient with myself. This is a process. I don't have it all down yet. I don't expect others to buy into the reality that I can and will allow God to change my heart. I can only try, one tradition, one year at a time, to step down from that pedestal of self importance and trust that eventually my family will notice and embrace the new, more peaceful mom. I see them struggling, expecting me to keep taking the lead, making the plans. I've been enabling and demanding for a very long time.
Here's to changes! Here's to new things, good things, better things. Here's to life and joy and great holidays ahead.
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