Sunday, October 16, 2016

Depression Found Me Again

Depression found me again today.

I have been suspecting its presence in my life for a while, sensed it following me around, looking for an opportunity to overtake me.  I could feel it breathing down my neck, would twirl around to catch it in the act, to confront it and tell it to lay off, but I was never fast enough.  It would disappear, slip behind a tree, tucking its shadow out of sight.  I knew it was there lying in wait for the moment when I would be too tired or too distracted to keep my guard up.  

Depression found me again today.  I did everything I could think of to keep it at bay- kept myself healthy, took my supplements religiously, spent extra time in meditation, praying, releasing stress and anxiety, slept longer, rested, worshiped, and kept my eyes on the positive goals I’d set for myself…

It didn’t care.  It was just a matter of time before it discovered a chink in the armor, a weak spot in my overly-emotional heart.  Some things I can control.  This thing, I can’t.  I try.  I try to anticipate its attack and put up every defense I can.  But so many factors accumulated in this moment that allowed Depression to invade my brain…  the sudden and persistent rain and wind of the fall season, extra body pain, less sleep than I needed, a new, stressful job, financial worries, life style changes, an anniversary of a tragic experience, a medical event that landed me in the hospital…

It’s like storm clouds pressing in, pushing themselves around me.  I’ve pushed them away, protected myself for too long.  I’m weary and now feeling defenseless.  And now feeling ashamed that I can’t figure this out, that I once again let it win.  And I understand from past experiences with Depression, that it never comes alone. It brings along its buddy Fear, who drags in Hopelessness and Despair.  It settles in and hangs out, unwelcome yet at home in my life. 


Depression found me again today.  In reality, it never lost me.  I just forgot it was there, wished it had gone on to annoy and harass someone else.  At least this time I recognize its stench and understand that trying to ignore or deny its existence will only delay my victory over it.  I’m not looking forward to the fight, but there’s no other option.  I won’t.  I can’t allow myself to consider any other option than fighting through.

Friday, September 9, 2016

God Bless America

It's a little lonely in my classroom first thing in the morning. I don't have students until after they check into their homeroom, listen to the announcements and take attendance. But all by myself, with no audience or camera around, I still stand and say the pledge of allegiance with my hand on my heart. All by myself. My conscious just won't allow me to stay seated when up and down the hall I can hear students showing honor and respect to our country - our young, fierce, vibrant homeland with it's complicated citizenship, freedoms and conflicting acts of patriotism.
Later today, I will discuss 9/11/2001 with my immigrant students, somehow trying to explain that day to them in the context of what happened then, and what is happening now, and how it affects them. From past experience, I know some of them might have their own stories of terrorism to share, or sit quietly and remember. Some are happy and relieved to be here in America. Some are resentful of being yanked away from what was familiar and safe. For all of them, America is where they are now and whether they feel like an American or not, they are at the least, temporary citizens and at the most, future patriots.
And all I can think of is: God bless America, land that I love...

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Early Father's Day



My husband Warren writes a new song about once every 5 years.  This one is based on a final goodbye he had with his father who died of pancreatic cancer in 1995...  so long ago, yet so many vivid memories we have of this very special man.  Looking to the future, seeing his dad again, but more importantly, seeing his heavenly Father face to face for the first time, Warren shares his heart.

All I Want to Hear

Saturday, January 23, 2016

This Fine Group of People Called Teachers


Obviously, if you've been reading my facebook posts, I haven't seemed very happy to be in an educational conference the past two days.  In actuality, I have appreciated the information, the resources, research, practices and as usual, the opportunity to meet and network with other educators from around the Northwest.  And it always makes me so proud to see teachers, one of the hardest-working group of people I have ever known, take their own time to better their skills and increase their knowledge. 

The title of this conference or "summit", was "When Struggling Readers Thrive... Dreams Come True" and for two days all I heard from the over 500 teachers around me was how to do things better so our kids can succeed.  As a teacher, married to a teacher, and the mother of a teacher, I can assure you that this is what good teachers do - on the weekends, throughout the summer, during lunch, in their dreams at night - we are constantly problem solving - How do we teach better?  How do we make the content more comprehensible?  How do we reach more kids in a deeper and longer lasting way?  It never stops.  

I’m not really trying to sing praises to the teaching profession, and I’m certainly not going to say that it is a thankless job with little recognition from those who make the laws and sign our dwindling paychecks, although it is.  All I want to say is that we are a fine group of people.  And that we are a fine group of people who are becoming an endangered species.  Fewer and fewer college students are graduating with teaching degrees and I’m hearing of more districts who are having to hire non-certified teachers in order to fill the gaps in their classrooms.  That is scary. 

I overheard one teacher say today that her district couldn’t even “scrape the bottom of the barrel”, that there simply weren’t any applicants for several of the positions in her district this year.  The word is getting out.  Teaching is becoming a dying profession, one that isn’t worth the price, or worth the stress and the effort to meet the growing expectations and demands of our society.  More pay might help, but I think even more than that, we need the joy brought back into our classrooms.  If the KIDS are burning out by second grade, what do you think is happening to the teachers? 


Not a day goes by that I wonder if there is another job I could do with my skills, education and talents.  I love what I do and I really can’t see myself doing anything else, but I feel a slippery slope imminent.  And I’m not sure how long I will be able to dig my heels in and hang on.  


Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Star Wars Generation

For those people who "don't get it" about the Star Wars craze, all I can say is- you weren't there.  You weren't there for the very first trilogy, the one that redefined not just science fiction entertainment, but all movies to ever follow- ever.  I was an impressionable 14 years old when I was dragged to the first movie.  I wasn't a sci fi fan and was sure I'd hate it.  But from the first moment, the first note of that thundering theme, I was enraptured.  George Lucas took us to another universe, literally, and made it so believable and so real that even space travel gained popularity as we wondered if we could ever venture out and meet in person those wookies and ewoks and crazy fat Jabba creatures.  I wanted to join the Resistance and learn the ways of the Force, own my own authentic light saber and marry Luke Skywalker.  It was that thing, that word that is now almost meaningless and way overused - Epic.  Truly epic.  So, if you don't get it, just shut up about it, because the rest of us, the ones who do get it, we are in a different universe right now and you can't come along.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Honoring the Journey



Honoring the Journey…

I am a process person.  I’m not always interested in the end result of an idea or a venture.  For me, the planning and executing of it is often enough.  I am satisfied with what I learn and discover as I’m piecing together the project and although I do follow through and complete most of them, there are times when the initial stages are enough to appease my soul.  Sometimes, as they say, the journey is the goal.
I’ve learned that this is what is also required for life.  I don’t always get what I want when I want it.  I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel or the perfection I crave.  I have asked for healing, and been ignored.  I’ve prayed for financial security and ended up becoming more in need.  I have begged and pleaded with God to save a loved one, only to hear a solid, resounding “no, not now, not this time.”  I can’t always (hardly ever actually) control the circumstances of my life that I’d like to control and I can never create a perfect ending to my story- mainly because my story hasn’t ended yet.

So I have to be content in whatever circumstance I am in, like Paul (Phil. 4:11).  This means I must be at peace with the journey, with wherever I am in the journey.  

My health has been a considerable factor in the quality of my life the past 4 years.  Heart disease, surgeries, weight issues, diabetes, anemia, chronic  respiratory concerns and dietary limitations have converged into an uncontrollable, on-going catastrophe that most days leaves me irritated at best, panicked at worst.  

I want it to end.  I want to be healthy and strong again.  I want to be able to trust my body and not feel betrayed by the endless symptoms that rule my life.  I want to just enjoy my life – my job, my family, my hobbies- without worry, without pain and without struggle.

But I’ve come to realize, and some days can even accept, that my new reality is this day to day battle with my body.  It may end with healing and perfect health, but more likely, I will come to a place where I feel more in control and not ruled by the limitations and misery I feel like my life is currently in.  At least, that is my hope and my dream.  Until then, I can choose to struggle against this reality, or I can rest and be content to go through the process.

I believe God has a plan.  I believe His plan is for good – to prosper and bless me.   I already HAVE prospered and I am already overwhelmingly blessed.  Just because I am struggling through a physical battle doesn’t mean He has abandoned me or taken His favor from me.  THIS is the journey He is guiding me through.  This is my journey to perfection.  “And I am confident of this very thing, that He who started this work in me will complete it. (Phil 1:6,7)”

So I am choosing from this day forward, to honor the journey.  I will embrace the peace that comes from trusting and resting in the hope of God.  I have hope in His plan, I have faith in His goodness and I am confident of His love for me.  I can’t promise to enjoy the journey, but I won’t fight it any longer.  I won’t curse my days of pain or my body’s weaknesses.  I will watch and pray, listen and respond, and move closer to perfection by the grace of Jesus day by day.

Monday, August 17, 2015

My Two Dogs, and How They Love Me

 My Two Dogs, and How They Love Me


I live with my husband and two dogs.  His dog is Jazmine, a 11-year-old German Shepherd.  My dog, Charlie Parker, is a 2-year-old Havanese.  They are two completely different dogs created with different purposes to fulfill, each one an example of love and devotion... like Mary and Martha.

If you aren't familiar with the story of Mary and Martha, read Luke 10:38-42.  In essence, it's the story of two sisters who choose to serve Jesus in different ways according to their personalities, Martha by working hard to make sure Jesus' physical needs are met and Mary, who showed her devotion by sitting at Jesus' feet and soaking up His words and presence.

Jazmine is our Martha through and through.  She is imposing in size and strength. She demands respect and even fear for those who don't know her.  I have seen people pull out knives to protect themselves when they see her on the street.  She is regal and commanding, drawing attention for her beauty and stature wherever she goes.  Her romp is magical, but her stride purposeful and her run is power in motion.  She believes, without apology, that her mission in life is to protect us and take care of us.

When the house is full of people, Jazmine can't relax.  She has to make sure everyone is on the guest list and is welcome by us to be there.  Then, when she gets that message, they become part of her tribe, her extended family.  They become part of her protected circle.  She roams the rooms, checking on everyone's well-being, occasionally pausing to accept a scratch behind the ears or gobble up a dropped morsel of food.  Most of the time, she is scolded and told to "go lie down", quit her fussing and leave people alone.  Her size makes it impossible for her to hide gracefully under the table or beside a chair.  She gets tripped over, pushed aside and stepped on, but that doesn't deter her efforts to make her rounds over and over throughout the event.  She exhausts us and herself with her nervous pacing and checking.  If we lose our patience and regale her to the garage, she gets extremely offended and will whine, scratch and bark incessantly until we give up and let her back in.

If a baby is crying, she gets worried; if someone laughs too loud, she has to jump up to see why.  Her large, pointed ears are always alert and even lying down, there is a tension in her shoulders, she is ready to leap to our defense at a moment's threat, protect us from attack.  Even if she is familiar with our guests, Jaz is not amused by those who overstay their welcome or create chaos in our home.  As people start to leave, she is visibly relieved and gradually relaxes back to her more casual guard dog mode, curled up by the front door.

Jazmine is not very affectionate unless it's her idea.  She does not like to be cuddled, hugged or embraced in any way.  I think it makes her feel trapped and less able to do her job, which is to stand alert and ready to attack whatever or whomever is harming us.  In her 11 years of life, she has never actually witnessed anyone attempting to harm us, mind you.  So there's no precedence, no memory of needing to act quickly, no training to "sic em" ever occurred.  It's pure instinct, simple and true.  Jazmine knows her purpose and pursues excellence and discipline in carrying out her inner drive to protect and defend.  I have no doubt she would and could kill someone if necessary.  And as irritated as I get with her hovering and restlessness sometimes, I am grateful for her devotion and how safe I feel when I am with her.

Charlie Parker, on the other hand is most definitely our Mary.  Nothing matters to Charlie but showing and receiving love and affection.  He is loyal to us, but friendly to everyone.  Charlie doesn't understand why anyone would NOT want him in their lap, jumping up to lick their hand, or following them around the house from room to room.  I never really understood the term "nipping at your heels" until we adopted Charlie.  He literally follows me so closely, his teeth catch on my legs and feet as he attempts to keep up and not be left behind.

Charlie is passionate about being in my company.  He waits for me every morning right outside my door.  If I peek out to look for him, he is at attention, his whole body wound up tensely as he eagerly awaits my appearance!  When I come home from work, he is waiting at the garage door.  He leaps and dances on my feet, insisting on immediate greetings before I can even set my purse on the counter.  He twirls and flips and  I imagine, if it was possible, he would even sing and giggle in glee.  The minute I sit down in my chair to check my email, he plants himself at my feet, sitting like a good boy, looking up eagerly, trying to catch my eye.  If I even glance in his direction, he assumes this is an invitation to barrel into my lap, lick my face, nuzzle into my hair and sabotage my efforts to relax.  If I push him away or ignore him, he pouts for awhile before hopping off to see if Warren is available to play.  But he always returns to me before long.  He knows who his master is and I am his chosen source of devotion and companionship!

Like Jazmine, Charlie is unapologetic in his commitment to fulfilling what he believes his destiny and purpose in life.  He was born to love and be loved.  He knows he is adorable and irresistible but not for arrogance sake, simply to bring me more joy when I look at him and his sweet face.  He lives for affection and attention, but not selfishly, instead to give me a reason to practice loving, focusing on his dedication to me.  Even if I get irritated and weary of his constant presence and demands, he only lays low long enough to make me miss him and appreciate his returning adoration.

Many people think that Jesus preferred Mary as he seemed to scold Martha when she complained about her sister's lack of assistance with all the duties of the evening.  He said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”   And it does seem to sound like Jesus is putting Martha in her place.

But I tend to wonder (as a person who is more Martha-esque at times), if Jesus was simply reminding Martha that she needed to allow and respect Mary for being the person she was called to be.  Mary didn't apologize for her display of devotion to Jesus.  She was loving him in the only way she knew how, by giving him her complete attention.  She was at his feet, listening, soaking in his presence.  The "better" thing that Mary chose was simply to be at peace with who she was made to be, what she was called to do to show her love and adoration to her master.

The better choice for Martha would have been not to be "worried and upset with many things", but instead to understand that her personality, her way of loving Jesus was to serve him and his physical needs, with food and drink and a warm, relaxing home in which to rest.  If she really wanted to please him, she would have instead been confident and determined to be the person she was created to be, allowing Mary to do the same.  Instead, she complains to Jesus about her sister not being more like her.

Mary was born to love by listening.  Martha was created to love by serving.  Does this mean that Mary never served and Martha never listened?  Probably not, because we all have to function in the world, meeting the needs of the people around us and balancing the many roles and duties that are required of us.  But when it comes to our passion, the unique way that each person responds to loving the Lord, we must understand what we were created to be and how we were designed to love if we are ever going to feel the satisfaction of basking in the peace and presence of God.

We are most at peace when we are loving God the way He created us to love Him.  We are the furthest from that peace when we are comparing our way of loving God to another person's divine right to love God in a different way.  This is not a statement about tolerance for every religion or non-religion on the planet.  This is my way of reminding myself that I am not to be "worried and upset" with how I perceive my neighbor loving God.  I am only required to attend to my own minute-by-minute efforts to love God in the way He created me to love Him.

Is Charlie a better dog than Jazmine because he sits at my feet and looks at me adoringly?  Is Jazmine better in her doggie duties because she would give her life for me?  Neither Jazmine or Charlie Parker is arrogant or competitive in their method of devotion.  They are unapologetically confident in fulfilling their purpose of simply being a dog devoted to his and her master.  At the end of the day, they sleep soundly, knowing that they successfully loved me the best way they each know how, for one more day.  That is peace, my friends.