Learning to Trust... Again

May 2014

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him”  Job 13:15

When I first read this verse, in my early teens, my prayer was that I would learn to have that kind of trust in the Lord... Over the years, as I’ve learned to consecrate every circumstance, every trial and struggle to Him, and then watched as He took what seemed to be broken hearts and doomed futures and resurrected them into new hopes and epiphanies of whole, new dreams, it’s become easier to trust myself and my life to His will.  I know that I trust Him, that I will always trust Him, that He will never leave me or forsake me, that even though He slay me, I will trust Him…

When my older son and his wife announced their first pregnancy on their third anniversary, April 2, we were excited beyond belief!  We knew they had been trying to conceive for more than a year and this was such a miracle and a joy.  We started dreaming of baby things, of the birth around Christmas time, playing “pass the baby” at family gatherings, planning baby showers and designing nurseries.  We began envisioning our future with this new grandchild tucked under our arm, holding our hands on a walk to the park, seated around the table at holiday dinners.  Life was good and I tangibly felt God’s favor.

But then we got a text.  “I’m taking Corrie to the ER.  I think we’re losing the baby.”  Oh God!  OH GOD!  I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t believe it!  I watched my son as he tried to comfort his wife, praying for her, then joking and trying to lighten the mood, then giving in to the reality of the pain, holding back tears, trying to breathe through the grief…  it was more than I could bear.  I left the ER sobbing after the doctor confirmed that there was no saving the 12-week fetus.

It’s been a couple of weeks and we are all still stunned and still mourning.  Sometimes I forget and see something I want to buy for the nursery.  Or I start to say something to my daughter-in-law about her ideas for names, and then I remember and feel that kick in the gut that cuts off my breath.  I want to gather my son – all 6 feet, 3 inches of him – into my arms and cradle and rock the hurt away.  I want to whisper, “the peace of Jesus” into his ear like I did when he would wake up in the night with a bad dream as a child.  My greatest aching and grieving comes from imagining his broken heart.  

So now, when my trust in God depends on how He tests and challenges my adult children, can I, WILL I trust Him to be all they need?  Though He slay my unborn grandchild, will I trust Him?  Though He break the hearts of my children, allow their dreams to be unfulfilled and their hopes to be abandoned, will I trust Him?  Will I choose, will I BE ABLE to choose not only to trust in Him, but to believe He is my trust, my truth, my worth?  Am I worthy to rest in Him?

Jeremiah 17:7  Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord.

Parenting just gets harder and harder. The owies get bigger and the bullies get meaner and I get further and further away from being able to kiss it all and make it better.  


December 7, 2015- Update!  We are now expecting a boy this coming March!