Depression Found Me Again

Depression found me again today.

I have been suspecting its presence in my life for a while, sensed it following me around, looking for an opportunity to overtake me.  I could feel it breathing down my neck, would twirl around to catch it in the act, to confront it and tell it to lay off, but I was never fast enough.  It would disappear, slip behind a tree, tucking its shadow out of sight.  I knew it was there lying in wait for the moment when I would be too tired or too distracted to keep my guard up.  

Depression found me again today.  I did everything I could think of to keep it at bay- kept myself healthy, took my supplements religiously, spent extra time in meditation, praying, releasing stress and anxiety, slept longer, rested, worshiped, and kept my eyes on the positive goals I’d set for myself…

It didn’t care.  It was just a matter of time before it discovered a chink in the armor, a weak spot in my overly-emotional heart.  Some things I can control.  This thing, I can’t.  I try.  I try to anticipate its attack and put up every defense I can.  But so many factors accumulated in this moment that allowed Depression to invade my brain…  the sudden and persistent rain and wind of the fall season, extra body pain, less sleep than I needed, a new, stressful job, financial worries, life style changes, an anniversary of a tragic experience, a medical event that landed me in the hospital…

It’s like storm clouds pressing in, pushing themselves around me.  I’ve pushed them away, protected myself for too long.  I’m weary and now feeling defenseless.  And now feeling ashamed that I can’t figure this out, that I once again let it win.  And I understand from past experiences with Depression, that it never comes alone. It brings along its buddy Fear, who drags in Hopelessness and Despair.  It settles in and hangs out, unwelcome yet at home in my life. 

Depression found me again today.  In reality, it never lost me.  I just forgot it was there, wished it had gone on to annoy and harass someone else.  At least this time I recognize its stench and understand that trying to ignore or deny its existence will only delay my victory over it.  I’m not looking forward to the fight, but there’s no other option.  I won’t.  I can’t allow myself to consider any other option than fighting through.